Primed Minister: OK, everyone. Last election, some people didn’t vote for us because they said that we weren’t listening. What should we do?
Heng Jin Swee: Pretend to listen?
Primed Minister: Heng ah, jin swee. Good idea! How should we do that?
Heng Jin Swee: We can pretend to hold a nationwide conversation? We talk, they listen?
Primed Minister: Good. I put you in charge.
Heng Jin Swee: By the way, Primed, people want an education reform. What should I do?
Primed Minister: What do they want to reform?
Heng Jin Swee: They say that the exams are giving their children stress, and that the education system is too competitive and elitist. They want to overhaul the system.
Primed Minister: Why are you letting them dictate what you should do? You dictate how they should think.
Heng Jin Swee: How to, Supreme Leader?
Primed Minister: Narrow down the problem.
Heng Jin Swee: So instead of talking about the whole education system, I focus only on one aspect? Like the PSLE?
Primed Minister: Good. That’s it. Clever boy.
Heng Jin Swee: But they are saying they want to remove the PSLE.
Primed Minister: Narrow down the problem.
Heng Jin Swee: Hmm… I will tell them instead of removing the PSLE, we change how it is scored?
Primed Minister: Good. Smart boy. See, now there’s no problem. Let me include this in my rally. Then at least we can still keep our top schools for our own children.
Jin Chuan: Primed, I’m breathless!
Primed Minister: Of course you are breathless. Your name is Jin Chuan. What are you talking about?
Jin Chuan: I mean, I’ve been running around consulting the people but they say I’m not listening.
Primed Minister: When is it our job to listen to the people? Haven’t you learnt from Heng Jin Swee? We talk. People listen.
Jin Chuan: So, I’m doing a bad job?
Primed Minister: Then you can continue acting.
Kim Yong Un: Supreme Leader Primed, the people want us to increase what we pay for their healthcare. How?
Primed Minister: When do we ever pay for people’s healthcare?
Kim Yong Un: Never?
Primed Minister: Smart. So what should we do?
Kim Yong Un: Make them pay for themselves?
Primed Minister: Go on.
Kim Yong Un: So, we will tell them we will increase our spending, but make them pay for it?
Primed Minister: Correct. But remember, always ask them to pay more than what we increase.
Kim Yong Un: But won’t people know our ploy?
Primed Minister: That’s why we break up the increases. Increase premiums. Increase contribution rates. So they look like small little increases. But it adds up to a lot.
Kim Yong Un: But people are saying the old are paying too much for their premiums. What should we do? Should we tax the rich more?
Primed Minister: Are you stupid? Do you want to tax ourselves more? Never ask the rich to pay for the poor. Ask the young to pay for the old. Increase GST – it will hurt the poor more.
Kim Yong Un: You are so wise, Supreme Leader.
Primed Minister: Of course.
Kim Yong Un: How will you tell people that we will pay for them, even if we won’t?
Primed Minister: Leave that to me at the rally. I will shed a tear.
Kim Yong Un: Will that be enough?
Primed Minister: Don’t worry. There’s still my deputy. I will ask him to tell the people that we will pay for them. He has to do what we want anyway.
Heng Jin Swee: Supreme Leader, then how do you plan to win the next election?
Primed Minister: I will hold the next election in 2015, during our country’s 50th anniversary.
Heng Jin Swee: Why?
Primed Minister: If we can make people happy, they will forget all their problems. Then we go in quickly to get them to vote for us, before they get angry again.
Heng Jin Swee: How do you want to make them happy?
Primed Minister: Make 30 hours of documentaries to brainwash them. Remember, we talk. They listen.
Heng Jin Swee: So wise, Supreme Leader.
Primed Minister: Since you have been so obedient, I will let you be the head of this project. And if you do it well, you can be the next interim Primed Minister.
Heng Jin Swee: What about your deputy?
Primed Minister: If he become Primed, then who will become my next dress-up President? Who will keep quiet for me? Do you remember Tok Ghong and Tony?
Heng Ji Swee: Ah… But why will I only be the interim?
Primed Minister: That’s family business. Do what Lee tell you to do and don’t ask a single question.