75 Best Funny Retirement One-Liners

funny retirement one-liners

Retirement can be a bittersweet moment in a person’s life. It’s time to bid adieu to hectic deadlines, buried lunches, chaotic meetings, and sacrificing your personal life. But it can also be an upheaval from a routine you have followed for so long, and saying goodbye to colleagues you’ve worked with for years is never easy.

So, whether you’re celebrating your retirement or saying farewell to a retiree, these funny retirement one-liners can perfectly sum up jobs and careers. Add them to your speech or write them on a card, they’ll liven up any party!

75 Funny Retirement One-Liners


#1. Retirement is just a never-ending vacation.
#2. I love being a grandparent in retirement. I give my grandkids a lot of sugar and then leave them with their parents to deal with them.
#3. Why don’t retirees mind being called seniors? Because the term comes with a 10% discount.
#4. Retirement is like coming home one day and telling your wife, honey, I’m home… for good!
#5. Retirement: It takes all the meaning out of weekends!
#6. Retirement is similar to graduating, except that you will pursue a master’s in sloth this time!
#7. How do you know it’s time to retire? It’s when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it!
#8. Just when the wife thinks they got rid of their kids living in the house, the husband decides to retire.
#9. During your work life, you pick up a lot of bad habits… like working.
#10. Why do retirees smile all the time? Because they can’t hear a word you are saying!
#11. Retirement is wonderful. It’s doing nothing without worrying about getting caught!
#12. You can retire, but you can’t retire from being great!
#13. Think about retirement as taking two six-month holidays per year.
#14. Retirement is like a long vacation in Las Vegas. The goal is to enjoy it to the fullest, but not so fully that you run out of money.
#15. When is a retiree’s bedtime? About 30 minutes after they fall asleep on the couch.
#16. The trouble with retirement is that you never get a day off.
#17. Retirement: It’s nice to get out of the rat race, but you have to learn to get along with less cheese.
#18. I hope you like Saturdays because every day just became Saturday!
#19. You’re retired — goodbye tension, hello pension!
#20. The world’s longest coffee break is often referred to as retirement.
#21. Fridays aren’t the best day of the week anymore… they all are!
#22. What do you call someone who’s happy on Mondays? Retired!
#23. Retirement is when you switch bosses from the one who hired you to the one who married you.
#24. Except for an occasional heart attack, I feel as young as I ever did.
#25. When a man retires, his wife gets twice as much husband for half as much money.
#26. I’m not just retiring from the company. I’m also retiring from my stress, my commute, my alarm clock, and my iron.
#27. Retirement is when you stop lying about your age and start lying around the house.
#28. Retirement: No job, no stress, no pay!
#29. The best part about being retired is never having to request time off.
#30. Retired: under new management; see wife for details.
#31. I never reveal my age, but I do let people know I’m retired so they can just guess my age from that statement.
#32. The money may not be as good, but the hours are way better!
#33. We all aspire to retire, and then what?
#34. Retirement is like one big sick day without the sick pay.
#35. I hear retirement can be really fun, but what’s fun about being lazy and bored?
#36. You’re never too old to retire, but you’re always too old to find a new job!
#37. I’m happy about your retirement. You will now be compelled to work on a never-ending project called “doing nothing” that will consume all of your time.
#38. You’ve finally reached retirement age! Does that make you old or me young?
#39. I’m so sorry for your loss. No one is ever going to call you “boss” again.
#40. It’s going to be so weird not seeing you every day. What’s your name again?
#41. It must be so hard leaving us all knowing you’ll actually have to do things for yourself in retirement.
#42. I’m not sure why you’d want to re-tire, we’re all tired already!
#43. I’m sorry, I thought you were already retired since we never see you doing any work!
#44. You worked so hard all these years to become what, a couch bum?
#45. Swap your early morning meeting for a mid-morning tee time. Now you can say you’re retired.
#46. I’ve seen people get old, retire, and die. Rarely on the same day.
#47. I retire for what, like, five minutes, and it all goes to shit.
#48. Congratulations! You’ve retired from your job. Too bad the next step is retiring from life!
#49. Retirement: It’s not the end of your life, it’s the end of your bank account!
#50. Worked all my life, paid my dues, now I will do whatever I choose!
#51. Retirement! It’s like sleeping while you are awake. Well done!
#52. After retirement, a 30-minute walk is the best thing to do for your ailments!
#53. Finally, you get the job you waited for 50 years! Retirement!
#54. The days of 9-5 are past! Happy days are here at last!
#55. Are you going to be a secret agent? Licensed to chill?
#56. Enjoy the challenge of spending time without spending money!
#57. You’re retired, not expired!
#58. I don’t have to do it, I don’t want to do it, and you can’t make me do it. I’m retired!
#59. You have finally “Got a Life!”
#60. No more setting the alarm clock to snooze. You’ve just found the button for retirement.
#61. Time to stop working for a living; you can now work at living!
#62. Off to retirement? Say Hi to your two new best friends — bed and couch!
#63. On the retirement clock, it’s always five O’clock.
#64. I’m retired! You’re not! Have fun at work tomorrow!
#65. You found your true calling — Retirement!
#66. Time to maximize that senior discount!
#67. Remember to tire yourself out with gardening, grandkids, and chores!
#68. It’s time to spend away your life savings! Enjoy retirement.
#69. Is your happy retirement now a full-time job for your wife?
#70. Is mandatory retirement the same as compulsive poverty?
#71. We know you retired for health reasons. You were sick of them; they were sick of you!
#72. No more boss shouting at you, just your wife shouting at you! Enjoy retirement!
#73. Now that you are retired, can you still remember the things you wanted to do?
#74. Hey, now you’re retired! You don’t have to wear pants!
#75. When your colleagues give you a watch, you know time is no longer of importance.

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